I don’t know…

I don’t know if I can stand the stupidity much longer.  I really don’t.  There is no oasis in the desert, no rest from the inanity.  I really don’t know what the point is of continuing to endure, of trying to move forward, of waking up every day and getting up and moving forward…

…if it even is forward.  Mostly it feels just like a random walk, going nowhere specific, achieving nothing other than perhaps a slightly greater average distance from my starting point, but never reaching any goal.  Life is just Brownian motion.  Pollen grains on the surface of a liquid, buffeted about by passing atoms, but not heading anywhere, ultimately destined to be poured down a drain or drunk up, unnoticed by the drinker.  Awash in a sea of stupidity, both within and without.

Why continue?  Why keep doing the random walk?  There is no destination, there is nothing to which to look forward, no reward waiting for the achievement of enduring.  There is nothing ahead, and everything behind is gone; it’s lost and cannot be reclaimed.  And there is no one worth saving, least of all myself.

I don’t know what to do.  Everything is senseless.  “The best lack all conviction, while the worst / are full of passionate intensity.”  The inverse relationship between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain dominates all discourse.  There is nothing to be gained.  Nothing to be saved.  Nothing worth protecting, least of all myself.

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